So You Think You Know What Love Is?

Before we get into today’s blog post let’s do a little self check-in on our relationship with love:

1. Do you at times show up places or do things for people that you really do not want to do because you are doing it out of love?
2. Do you make sure everyone else is good and well taken care of, often depleting your own energy reserve before stopping and taking care of yourself (beyond basic human needs for survival)?
3. Do you say yes when something in your body is screaming or maybe whispering no?
4. Do you put productivity and outcome driven tasks above your body’s needs and signals, valuing productivity over your own needs?
5. Do you often find yourself saying some version of “this is silly, I shouldn’t feel this way, it isn’t that bad” in response to challenging emotions that arise?

If you’ve answered yes to even one of these it could suggest your definition of love isn’t actually serving you, but rather serving the upholding of our social conditioning. Disclaimer: this is not a clinical measure.

In our western world we often think of love as acts of serves for others, not engaging in or creating conflict, keeping the “peace”, doing what others expect or need from us, not expressing our needs or being an “inconvenience”, being selfless or putting our needs behind the needs of others and so on. While these can be included in our definition of love, where we go wrong is when our definition of love becomes solely anchored in one or many of these statements. This is especially true for women as our social conditioning to be “small”, “quiet”, and “pleasant” remains a strong message within our western world.

When our definition of love is anchored in these statements we become out of balance with love and rather set up shop in the land of self abandonment branded as love. When I think about it in this way I often remember the Netflix show “The Good Place” and how “The Good Place” was in fact the “Bad Place” meticulously designed to make people feel as if they were in the good place with guilt, toxic positivity/ gratitude, and fear, hence Self Abandonment branded a love.

Are you stuck in the land of self-abandonment?

Well some red flags are experiencing feelings of resentment, anger or complete disconnection from yourself and your own needs which can manifest in a variety of symptoms and clinical disorders. When we set up shop in self abandonment land, life can feel: simply okay, you may tell yourself “this is just the way it is”, or perhaps have a whisper inside as Glennon Dolye puts it; “I think life is supposed to be more beautiful than this.” (check out this video to get the full story)

The truth is love isn’t always doing what’s easy, what makes others happy, or what is the road of least resistance, this is especially true when we have been disconnected from love for a long time. I remember when one of my dear friends came to stay with me for the first time and she just simply asked for what she needed with clarity and unapologetically – I’m talking something as simple as – can we order food, I’m hungry. Not the typical “what are you feeling for dinner? Are you hungry?When would you like to eat?” – you know the comments we make in hopes of receiving social approval to make a joint decision to eat as if needing to eat even if the other person wasn’t hungry yet would be a massive violation to the unspoken friendship code. (I know I am not alone in this example).

I remember being shocked, in awe and also so relieved in all the ways she moved through life and conversations with such clear love for herself and others. Experiencing someone exist almost effortlessly in this way made it easy to trust what she said, brought calm to my nervous system, and allowed me to show up in hard conversations with her from a place of truth and love. But when it came to integrating this experience of embodied love into my relationships outside of her, I found myself sumbling at best.

It felt a lot like being at a crossroads. No matter what direction I stepped, it felt like there was a consequence myself or others around me were equipped to handle, forcing me to run back to the centre of the cross roads. I was stuck in self-abandonment land.

It was thanks to another beloved friend of mine and her journey with Psilocybin, who taught me that “to know profound love, is to know deep pain”. That sometimes doing what is truly loving is to show up in your truth, without over-explaining or justifying yourself and trusting others will love you anyways and not wavering on your commitment to your own self love when they can’t.

It was on this day when our definition of love received a huge upgrade and has been a guiding marker of the way I live my life and show up in clinical practice ever since. The best part is when we show up in our commitment to our own self-love we allow others to show up as the people they truly want to be in our life.